Going to a funeral on a day I was very happy and trip to Rajasthan First of all, happy friendship day to all my friends. I know only a very few are g

Going to a funeral on a day I was very happy and trip to Rajasthan

First of all, happy friendship day to all my friends. I know only a very few are gonna read this but still m gonna wish them all. Now 1st august was a very important day for me, as on this day I said sorry to my dear friend about whom I told you about in my last blog. I was afraid to text her, but then I gathered some courage and sent her a text message that I heard from a friend that she wasn’t well so couldn’t stop myself to message her, and wished her a very happy friendship day. Then I waited for her reply, after around two long hours she replied- ‘how dare you msg me again? I dun wanna talk to you’. The reply was same as I had expected. Then I said sorry to her and all that stuff that I had already mentioned in my last blog. Then after some time I got a message from her boyfriend. I explained him the situation that all the trouble was unnecessary and we should fix it as she is a very special friend. Then both of them were convinced, and the problem was solved. Then something unexpected happened and even she said sorry to me. I mean as far as I have known her, she never said sorry, but that day she said sorry. Anyways that doesn’t matter to me because she is my friend and will always be. I’ll always be there for her when she’ll need me. She is one of my best friend.
Now I was very happy, and I had plans for the day. I had to go to kronik’s place and had to enjoy and party as it was friendship day. But I was not able to go, because I had to go to a funeral. It was a strange situation because I had to go to a funeral when I was very happy. I wanted to go to party but my mummy’s uncle had died, so I had to go. After 3 hours long drive we reached Rewari, a small town in Haryana near Rajasthan border. Then I refused to go to the place where the funeral was and decided to take rest at my grandparent’s place. I was not prepared to go to there, I did not wanted to go to a place where I was supposed to be sad even when I was happy. I was not ready to give that sad expression when I was happy inside.
Next day my naani said that she wanted to go to her village, her village where she was born, where she had spent her childhood. The village was in Rajasthan, so it took us two more hours to reach there, the day was cool as it was raining heavy last night. So we were on the move and enjoying the beauty of nature, the rocky Aravali mountains, camels and all. Then naani showed us an old neem tree. She said that the tree was so old that she had spend her childhood under that tree, she and all her sisters and brothers, used to play under that tree. There were memories, that tree was like an old man telling stories of the past he had seen.
All this time I was thinking that I have no memories, no birthplace, nothing. I was born in Allahabad, the n we moved to some place in Punjab, then Haryana, then MP, then UP, then again MP, then again UP, then Delhi, then Mumbai. I have memories of all these places but no proof. I do not have a tree that will remind me of my childhood.

last few months

It has been a long time since I have written anything. Last blog was posted on in January. It is not that nothing has happened between this time gap, a lot has happened. Things have happened which have changed my life, my future, my lifestyle and my friends. Have seen a lot, lost a lot, gained a lot, learned a lot and suffered a lot in last few months. These last few months have just flipped the script of my life. The way it was supposed to be is no more the way it is now. My dreams are crushed, and still I got motivated, I got what I always wanted but was unable to get it.
Everyone knows that I was dying to get admission in symbiosys for mass com, I had got that, I had the admission letter in my hand, my dream had come true, I was the happiest man on the face of earth. But bhartividyapeeth did something unexpected, I suffered a lot because of it, I wasn’t allowed to give final semester exam. My dreams were crushed, that’s okay I’ll get admission next year too I know dat. But one year is wasted.
I had a fight with one of my best friend, she was the one I loved a lot and I lost her. She will never talk with me, and that too because we had a fight over something which was not even important. He had a fight, we exchanged bad words, won’t tell what really happened, or what was the reason, but in the end she said that it won’t be good for me if I’ll ever try to contact her again. Well I know I had done something really stupid that I shouldn’t have had done, but at that time I was angry so I did it, and I said that. And I am really sorry for what I’ve done. We were supposed to be BBF’s but I screwed up everything. I was hurt, and I was angry, so I lost my mind, and I am really sorry for that. That guilt was killing me from inside, and I was afraid to contact her directly as she had said that it won’t be good for me so I’ve chosen this blog to apologize. I hope you’ll forgive me for the sake of good old time we shared together and I’ll always be there to help you out whenever you’ll need me.
Well health also cheated me few days back. Whole July is wasted in bed-rest, medicines, and hospitals, around 40 injections in a week, and me getting weaker. I had to rush to Delhi just after doctor in Mumbai told me that the problem may need to be operated, and by next flight I was in Delhi. And till now m not perfectly cured of don’t know what. Even doctors don’t know what the problem was.
Well it isn’t like all the bad is happening with me in this world, good things also happened. I have got time to think about myself, what I really want and that has made my decision to go into this field even stronger. In this time I will prepare myself for future. Also one of my friend who is studying in SIMC asked me if I can assist him in a documentary he will be directing. The documentary is about the condition of children of pardhi tribe in Maharashtra, it’s a CRY(children rights and you) documentary. And I agreed, and now this is my first chance to work and learn and gain experience to work as an assistant director.
Well now m getting ready to have some paneer tikka, which my mom is making, and it’s raining outside. Also m getting well so soon after few days I will return to Mumbai, as I have to finish a lot of work there.
Don’t know when I’ll write next, but now days I am reading Anurag Kashyap’s blogs. And learning a lot from him.

LIFE HANG HO GAYI HAI :(

OKAY, IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I WROTE MY LAST BLOG. BY THA WAY WHO CARES WAT I WRITE, :P. I JUST WRITE TO READ IT MYSELF AND ADMIRE MY WRITING SKILLS :P LIKE M NOW USING EMOTICONS IN MY WRITING, DATS INNOVATIVE.
I WRITE WHEN M ALONE, OF I FEEL LONLEY, OF WHEN M MISSING SOMEONE, OR THERE CAN BE ANY OTHER REASON. THE BOTTOMLINE IS THAT I WRITE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS ON PAPER (WELL COMPUTER SCREEN IN THIS CASE), BUT RIGHT NOW WAT M FEELING IS COMPLETELY MESSED UP, MIXED WID EMOTIONS, COMEDIES  AND TRAGEDIES , EXCITEMENT  AND NERVOUSNESS ……. EVERY FUCKIN THING IS MESSED UP. M YAWNING AND ALSO M TIRED OF SLEEPING, I FEEL SLEEPY AND I CANT SLEEP, EVERYTHING IS MESSED UP. NO GOOD NEWS IS COMING FROM ANYWHERE. TIME HAS FROZEN, ITS LIKE MY LIFE HAS HANGGED LIKE MY COMUTER.
EXAMPLE-
CHECKING STATUS OF VARIOUS ASPECTS OF LIFE-……..LOADING……….10%........17%..........29%..........40%........70%..........83%........
SYSTEM HANGGED
PRESS F5 TO REFRESH (HAVE A SMOKE)
NO RESPONSE…………STILL SYSTEM HANGGED
PRESS ALT+CTRL+DELETE (GET A OLD MONK RUM QUARTER AND MAKE 4 PEGS 45 ML EACH)
………LOADING CONTINUES…………..83%...........89%...........97%.........100%..........
LOADING COMPLETE
RESULTS-
1. STUDIES- NO PROGRESS
2. LOVE – NO PROGRESS
3. ADMISSION- NO PROGRESS
4. U’LL BE ALLOWED TO GIVE EXAM OR NOT- SYSTEM ERROR

THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME 
FUCKIN CRAZY……………. BULLSHIT
LET’S SEE WAT HAPPENS NEXT
CAUSE TIME CHANGES
THE BAD THING ABOUT GOOD TIME IS …. IT ENDS…. AND GOOD THING ABOUT BAD TIME IS…. IT ENDS TOO.
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, To seize everything you ever wanted, One moment, Would you capture it or just let it slip?
- EMINEM

BAAKI TO JO HOGA DEKHA JAAYEGA MAIN TO JYAADA TENSION LETA HI NAHI. I JUST KNOW ONE THING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, AND THET THING TEACHES YOU A LESSON, ITS UPTO YOU, YOU WASTE IT OR LEARN FROM IT.

SHIKHAR

IT ALL STARTED WHEN ME AND GOYAL, MADE A WEBSITE FOR FUN, IT WAS CALLED WWW.BVP3G.COM, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE, A NOT SO SUCCESSFUL BUT STILL IT WAS OUR FIRST WEBSITE TOGETHER. WELL THAT WEBSITE WASNT A HIT BUT STILL WE PEOPLE STARTED KNOWING THAT THIS GUY GOYAL MAKES WEBSITES. ONE DAY HE GOT A CALL FROM ONE OF OUR MBA SENIOR, MITESH. MITESH WAS AMONG THE CULTURAL COMMITTEE MEMBERS OF HIS CLASS. HE ASKED GOYAL TO MAKE A WEBSITE FOR SHIKHAR THEIR FEST, GOYAL AGREED. SINCE I WASN'T IN MUMBAI, SO I COULDN'T HELP HIM. LATER WHEN I CAM BACK, HE TOLD ME ABOUT ANOTHER PROJECT, ABOUT A SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROMOTION OF SHIKHAR AT THEIR ANNUAL MBA ALUMNI MEET.I GOT A CHANCE TO SHOW MY TALENT IN VIDEO MAKING THERE, ME AND NIKHIL KALA ONE OF MY BATCH MATE DECIDED TO SHOOT AND MAKE A VIDEO FOR THIS PURPOSE AS WE BOTH WERE INTERESTED IN THAT.
WE WENT TO COLLEGE AND TOLD CULTURAL COMMITTEE HEAD MISHI MAM, AND TOLD HER THAT WE WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO, AND SHE AGREED. ME, NIKHIL, GOYAL AND MITESH, ALL FOUR OF US STARTED WORKING ON CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT FOR THE VIDEO. AS THE THEME WAS 'GO GREEN' SO WE DECIDED TO MAKE A VIDEO ON THAT ONLY. NIKHIL CAME UP WITH A A WONDERFUL IDEA ABOUT A MAN STRUGGLING FOR HIS LIFE AND GROWS A PLANT. WE STARTED WORKING ON THAT. WE HAD A HANDY CAM, AND MY SOFTWARES AND JUST 4 OF US AS RESOURCES. WE NEEDED SOMEONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY ACT. THEN CAME KUNAL, WHO VOLUNTEERED FOR VIDEO, AND HE DID A GREAT JOB. WITH HELP OF AN UNCLE WORKING IN OUR COLLEGE GROUND, AND MISHI MAM'S SON WE COMPLETED OUR FIRST DAY SHOOT.
I WOKE FOR WHOLE NIGHT EDITING THE VIDEO, I HAD TO CUT EVERY SCENE, EVERY ERROR, AND JOIN THEM IN PERFECT SEQUENCE, ADD MUSIC, AND ADD EFFECTS. EARLY MORNING WE WENT TO KHARGHAR STATION PARKING FOR SOME SHOOT. AND WE WENT STRAIGHT TO OUR PLACE AND SLEPT. AFTER FEW HOURS OF SLEEP WE HAD TO GO FOR ANOTHER DAY'S SHOOT. FOR THAT WE NEEDED AROUND 100 BOYS OR GIRLS, BUT NO ONE WAS AVAILABLE. SO WE HAD TO CANCEL THAT SHOOT, WE WERE VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH THAT, WE WAITED WHOLE DAY FOR THAT, BUT IN THE END WE CAME UP WITH ANOTHER IDEA, AND WE SHOT WHOLE SCENE WITH PETROL, ROPES AND FIRE. AFTER MANY HOURS OF HARD WORK, FINALLY WE HAD DONE IT. THAT NIGHT WE DIDN'T SLEPT AT ALL AND I FINISHED WITH THE EDITING.
NEXT DAY, WE SHOWED IT SO MISHI MAM AND DIVYA MAM. DIVYA MAM HELPED US WITH THE FLAWS IN THE VIDEO, AND THEREFORE WE HAD TO EDIT THE TEXT USED IN THE VIDEO. DIVYA MAM HELPED US A LOT WITH THAT PROBLEM. BUT ONLY FEW HOURS WERE LEFT WITH US. I HAD TO FINISH WITH THE FINAL EDITING OF THE VIDEO. AND WITHIN HALF AN HOUR I DID IT. THEN WE RUSHED TOWARDS OUR FLATS, CHANGED CLOTHES, AS THE FUNCTION WAS ALREADY STARTED, AND WE HAD TO SHOW THE VIDEO THERE, WE RUSHED TOWARDS COLLEGE AGAIN.WE REACHED ON TIME AND AFTER SOME AMAZING DANCE PERFORMANCES, WE SHOWED OUR VIDEO.
THE LIGHTS WERE SWITCHED OFF, EVERYONE IN THE GROUND WAS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT THE SCREEN, WHERE OUR VIDEO WAS BEING PLAYED. I WASN'T NERVOUS AT ALL, BECAUSE I KNEW WE HAD DONE A GREAT JOB. BUT AS THE VIDEO STARTED, MY HEARTBEATS STARTED POUNDING FAST, I COULD FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR, AND SUDDENLY I REALIZED THAT MY HANDS WERE SHIVERING OF NERVOUSNESS. THE VIDEO WAS GREAT, NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. EVERYONE FROM TEACHERS TO STUDENTS CONGRATULATED US FOR SUCH A GREAT VIDEO, AND APPRECIATED US FOR OUR WORK. WE WERE ON CLOUD NINE, IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE, I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT MOMENT. AFTER SOME SNACKS, WE WENT OUT TO CELEBRATE. ME, NIKHIL, MITESH AND GOYAL, ALL FOUR OF US CELEBRATED OUR SUCCESS AND WENT BACK TO OUR PLACE.

RELEGION I UNDERSTAND, FEELINGS I FEEL

Homo-sapiens, commonly known as human beings are the strangest kind of living creatures. And what makes them different from all the other living creatures is that they can think and feel, and they think and feel a lot, but most of the times they think about and feel the things which they should not think or feel. Things which give them tensions make them worry or make them feel guilty. The biggest problem with human beings is that they are emotional, emotions are enemies of one’s will to exist, and sometimes they are strength to survive.
Most of the times human beings don’t want to do things that others want them to do, and when they do those things, others step back. They first will make you believe in something, and when you’ll start believing in that thing, they will stop believing in that. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual in my own way, I like every place where I find peace, I may find peace in a church, or some Gurudwara, or any temple, or any mosque, or in my room, or some beautiful place, or on a lonely bus stand, or early morning at Kharghar station parking, any place where my soul gets peace is sacred to me.

“RELEGION CAN NEVER REFORM MANKIND
BECAUSE RELEGION IS SLAVERY”
-ROBERT G. INGERSOLL
1833-1899

It supports blind submission to the authority, it reduces human responsibility to the effect that GOD controls everything, and in turn all the awful crimes are justified in the name of Devine Pursuit, and most importantly it empowers those who know the truth to use the myth to manipulate and control the society. I believe in only one religion and that is HUMANITY. And I strongly believe that every human being should follow that because that is the only thing which makes us different from animals. I remember a song of one of my favorite rock band i.e. Nickel Back the song goes like-
If everyone cared nobody cried,
If everyone loved then nobody lied,
If everyone shared smaller the pride,
Then we see the day, when nobody died.

I love the song and strongly believe in the words. As far as I know, every religion teaches us the same thing, they teach us to maintain peace, they want us to follow the same path of righteousness, and as far as I know, every religion ends at heaven or hell, everyone doing good deeds will go to heaven and every sinner will go to hell. I do not know whether heaven or hell exist or not, but I believe that every crime you commit, you will be punished, either by law or by guilt. Therefore I believe in doing well to others and enjoying my life too, because if you are not enjoying every second of your life, you are living in a hell.
Never think about what you lost, think about what you gained. Think about what is ahead in life. Forgive and forget every person who has ever hurt you. Because he will suffer, for his sins and that’s sure. I just want to say that you should never feel sorry for what happened with you, but for what wrong you did, and try not to repeat the same mistake again. You cannot undo what has happened, but you can start now to change your future. If you are optimist, then only you can remain happy. Always remember, everything happens for a reason. And everything that happens to you will make your life better than before in some way or another. Every experience, good or bad leaves for us a lot to learn. And you will learn the most from your worst experiences in life. That’s why tragedies happen, to make us realize what wrong we did.
Feelings are important part of human beings, but the worst feeling any human can get is the feeling of guilt. Guilt is something that will not let you live in peace. So try not to hurt anyone, for anything, for any reason, even if you hate him the most on the face of earth. And if you are hurt by someone, I am telling you something, something very important, the MANTRA using which no one ever will be able to hurt you ever. And this MANTRA is- ‘NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM OTHERS, TRY TO DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN, BECAUSE WHEN THEY DO NOT FULFILL YOUR EXPECTATIONS, YOU GET HURT’. I never expect anything from anyone, I never expect anyone will do my work for me, I never expect that someone will love me either. Because when you get something unexpectedly you became the happiest person. You get something you needed, but you never asked for it, you just earned it, and the satisfaction of earning something is the best feeling any human being can ever get. And if someone refuses to do you a favor, you don’t get hurt, because you never had expectations from that person. I proposed to a girl and she refused, but still I was not hurt, because I never expected that she will love me back, all I wanted was her to know my feelings towards her. And if she would have said yes, I would have been on cloud 9, the happiest man alive. I have been a student of business administration, and we are taught to minimize our loss. And I try to minimize my loss in every aspect of life. And that’s the key to live happily, minimize hate, and maximize love and peace.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

DATE- 1^ST JAN 2010

TIME- 12:01 AM

PLACE- MY ROOM

‘What am I supposed to do?’ this is the question which is in my mind right now. I am kind of confused. People outside are enjoying, and I am sitting alone in my room listening to Yanni.

I am not an emotional fool, but I am not a person who is not emotional at all. The problem is I am very poor at understanding and expressing the feelings. You will never know when I am really happy and when I am not. I am a great actor, in real life, you will never find me sad, and I just don’t want to be sad. Life is too fucking short, and I just don’t want to waste it spending time thinking about all the bad things happening to me. I like to live life. But sometimes I am numb, but it’s not numb, I should rather say ‘comfortably numb’ like the famous Pink Floyd song like I am feeling right now. I know I will spend whole night thinking about various things and will not sleep at all. People ask me to see a doctor, but I can’t remember even a single case where someone died of insomnia, so I know I’ll never see a doctor for this. Also I love the silence and darkness of night, I love listening to soothing music in the darkness of night.

Right now millions of people are enjoying, partying, because it’s New Year, but I wonder what is new in New Year?, it comes after every one year. I am not against celebrations, like any religious political party, I am libertarian I believe in freedom. But I don’t understand why people celebrate? Wear good clothes, eat good food, meet good friends, spend time with people you care about the most, if this is celebration, I celebrate my life every single fucking day. Apart from that I do a lot of things which people don’t do even when they are celebrating.

I am a happy man, I may not have a fancy car, I may not have enough resources, I may not have true love in life, at times I may not have fucking money, but I still am a happy man, because I have a dream to fulfill, I have to get myself a fancy car, I have someone whom I love, I have to be rich, earn respect for my work and myself.

I have already got around 5-6 text messages on my cell phone, all saying ‘happy new year’. Yeahh man I am happy. I am happy for myself that I am alive and I have seen the year 2010. Isn’t that enough for a normal human being to be happy? Why do people want others to be happy when they themselves are really not? Listen guys I have a disease, I am allergic to fucking bullshits, so don’t play games in front of me, because I know what is going on in your mind right now, and what you think about me, what you want from me. And if you think that you are getting work done by me by fooling me, remember one thing, I never do anything for free, until I really want to do something for someone. Remember, if I am doing any of your work for free, it means that either I like you and want to help you or I want something from you, I don’t believe in charity. I am a greedy and mean person, I have got enough brains to fool a normal man, and I am proud of that.

People don’t understand me, they don’t take me seriously. Last time when I had proposed to a girl, it took me 3 hours to make her believe that I was not joking. I am not a funny guy; I just say serious shit which people don’t understand, and they think that I was the one joking, but in reality they are the ones laughing at themselves. Next time you listen to a joke of mine, first analyze it properly, what it means, it can be something serious, it can be a comment, or it can be a normal joke also. No I am not a comedian, I am not even a funny guy, but I don’t want to hurt anyone, therefore I say things in that manner, and sometimes I am just afraid of the response.

Now it’s around 2:15 am, and now I know what I have to do. I am not going to crack jokes anymore. People think that I am just another funny guy, now I am going to tell them how motherfucking serious I can be. This is my New Year resolution. No more funny business, it’s time for some serious shit.

NO STARS IN THE SKY

PEOPLE SAY THEY HAVE FOUND EVERYTHING IN THIS BIG CITY, AND THEY MEAN EVERYTHING, MONEY, FAME, LOVE, EVERYTHING, IN THIS BIG CITY. THIS BIG CITY ATTRACTS MILLIONS OF EYES FILLED WITH AMBITIONS, WHO WANT TO MAKE IT BIG, WHO WANT TO DO SOMETHING GREAT, WHO WANT TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING BIG IN LIFE. BUT THERE IS ONE THING WHICH THEY WILL NOT FIND HERE IN BIG CITIES, THERE ARE NO STARS IN THIS BIG MUMBAI.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG I USED TO LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN, SOMEWHERE NEAR BANARAS, I USED TO PLAY WITH FRIENDS, HAD FUN, WAS GOOD IN STUDIES, USED TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH FAMILY. WE USED TO WATCH TV TOGETHER, AT THAT TIME THERE WAS NO CABLE CONNECTION SO WE USED TO WATCH FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE, AND ON SUNDAY MORNING RANGOLI ON DD1. AS THEY SAY FAMILY THAT EATS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER, WE USED TO PREPARE SPECIAL MEAL ON SUNDAYS, AND USED TO GO OUT ON PICNICS. BUT THE BEST TIME OF THE DAY WAS WHEN ME MY FATHER AND MY YOUNGER BROTHER USED TO SLEEP ON THE ROOF WHOLE NIGHT WTCHING THE BLUE SKY TWINKLING ABOVE US. AND WE USED TO SPOT THE VARIOUS STARS AND CONSTELLATIONS. WELL THOSE WERE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

ONE FINE DAY WE SHIFTED TO DELHI AND ALL THAT I HAD WAS LOST. THAT BIG CITY HAD EATEN UP ALL THE TIME WE HAD. I NEVER SAW THE SAME SKY AGAIN, SAME STARS AGAIN AND SAME MOON AGAIN. EVERYTHING WAS LOST IN THE BUSY LIFE, PEOPLE RUNNING OUT THERE FOR VARIOUS MATERIALISTIC THINGS. AT FIRST I LIKED THE NEW BIG CITY, I GOT NEW THINGS, CABLE TV WITH HUNDREDS OF CHANNELS, VIDEOGAMES, SHOPPING COMPLEXES, MALLS, MULTIPLEXES, AND ALL THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE BROUGHT UP ON THE NAME OF DEVELOPMENT. NOW AFTER 10 YEARS, I AM IN MUMBAI, THERE IS NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO CITIES, PEOPLE ARE BUSY HERE TOO, RUNNING AFTER MATERIALISTIC THINGS.

SOMETIMES I LOOK AT MYSELF STANDING IN A MIRROR, AND THINK ABOUT MY PAST AND PRESENT, AND I FIND THAT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. YESTERDAY I WENT OUT, IT WAS AROUND 2:30 MIDNIGHT AND LOOKE UP TO SKY, THERE WERE NO STARS THERE, ONLY DARK CLOUDS, JUST LIKE DEVIL LOOKING AT ME IN DISGUISE, SAYING 'EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, AND THAT TIME WILL NEVER COME BACK'.